“They’re more or less ranked in the order of importance,” McCarthy says. This is about their experience and emotions, not yours. The half-step is to listen to the person or people (these steps work regardless if you’re apologizing to one person or a group) you’ve wronged. Offer to fix what’s broken - whether that’s buying your aunt a new lamp you knocked off a table at Thanksgiving or offering to spend more time with a friend who feels neglected.Say what you are doing to ensure this situation won’t happen again.Don’t make excuses, but offer an explanation if needed.Show you understand why your actions were harmful and hurtful, and the effect it had on the other person.Name or specify the infraction you’re apologizing for.Actually use the words “I’m sorry” or “I apologize.” Say you’re sorry or that you apologize.The six (and a half) components of a good apologyĪccording to Marjorie Ingall and Susan McCarthy, the authors of the book Sorry, Sorry, Sorry: The Case for Good Apologies, successful apologies contain six (and a half) components: The key to successful apologies doesn’t lie in following a formula, though: It’s true sincerity. Saying sorry effectively boils down to a few simple steps that can be easily replicated and adapted to different situations, from accidentally bumping into a stranger in a crowded bar to insulting the entirety of your best friend’s life choices. “They push blame onto the other person, they think of excuses, all the situational factors that caused them to behave the way they did.” Another impediment to apologizing can be a lack of empathy or concern for the relationship with the wronged party. “A lot of the time, people don’t apologize simply because these self-defensive processes kick in and they come up with all kinds of reasons why they shouldn’t apologize,” Schumann says. When someone is upset with you, it’s common to shift into self-protection mode and to trick yourself into believing you didn’t do anything wrong. Chief among them is a desire to see yourself as a good person - and for others to consider you morally just, too. ![]() There are a number of other psychological barriers preventing people from apologizing, according to Karina Schumann, a professor of psychology at the University of Pittsburgh. On the contrary, a successful apology can bring people closer together and can improve the apologizer’s standing with the receiver, Hubbard says. Some view apologizing as admitting defeat and thereby lowering their social status others think it tarnishes their reputation. ![]() People are hesitant to apologize because they falsely believe it affects how outsiders perceive them, says Amy Ebesu Hubbard, a professor at the University of Hawaii Manoa School of Communication and Information. Good apologies are notoriously hard to come by, partly because of an inherent resistance to making them in the first place. ![]() However, the biggest obstacle to apologetic bliss isn’t a complicated argument - it’s self-protective motivations. Relationships are messy and both parties often have some level of culpability. For the rest of us, apologizing is a common, if difficult, part of life.Īmong the earliest lessons imparted to children is the art of saying sorry, yet these skills don’t always transfer neatly to adulthood. If you can’t remember the last time you apologized: congratulations, you are perfect - or at least you believe you are.
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